Balls and Pooping Rainbows

Gainesville is a weird place.   This is known.  The weirdness of Gainesville is a decent part of it's charm.  But sometimes, the weirdness, is just, well, weird....

In weird Gainesville news: I recently learned two different friends of mine will be attending weddings this year of couples who met at Balls.

Now, you're probably not familiar with Balls.

Balls is a dingy fratty (as in, solely frequented by bros) bar in midtown, right across from campus.  I was dragged there once during college, by my bro-iest friend, Liz.  In true Gainesville fashion, that was a weird night, but not one I ever felt the need to repeat.

The best part of the place was that there were no actual balls in Balls.  No pool balls.  No bowling balls.  No balls of any kind, except the frat variety.  This always seemed comical to me.  Why is it called Balls?  Why are there no balls?  Am I the only one who thinks this is weird?

To me, it seems crazy, like nearly incomprehensible, that TWO DIFFERENT HAPPY COUPLES met at Balls.

How is that even possible?


I can just imagine them telling their grandkids fifty years from now "Yeaaaah, I met your Granny at Balls.  She was puking from too many jello shots and I was really into it."

For TWO separate couples to be getting married after meeting at Balls all romance must be dead.

There's no hope for the rest of us if Balls is where happy people meet.

My existential Balls crisis led to me texting Babydoll and whining:

Me: Am sitting on couch watching Magic Mike and eating cookies
Feb 13     8:31 PM

Me: I am single af
Feb 13     8:31 PM

Feb 13    8:31 PM


Babydoll did not text me back.

Instead, she called me and did a lot of yelling.

It was amazing.  I needed to hear it.

And maybe you do too.

I tried to write down the most useful bits as she was talking, but I might have missed some of the transitions.

"You are the unicorn!"  

"A beautiful unicorn!"

"You need to smash the patriarchy!"

"The patriarchy wants you at home, baking cookies, wearing a cute dress, not going to medical school, but SCREW THAT."

"This is a national holiday to celebrate women!"  

I interjected at this point to say I didn't think that was the point of VDay to which she replied "If we can take over the day after the inauguration, we can take over THIS TOO."

"Tomorrow isn't about love!  Don't give me that crap!"  

"They just want us to buy some crappy chocolate from Walmart, but NO!  We are the majority! This is the majority!  Women are getting married later and later!  We get to have careers and CHOICES now!"

"Girl, please!  A woman who recognizes her worth is powerful!  And this is where our power comes from- recognizing we're the majority and choosing the things that matter!  Not crappy chocolate and too expensive dinners on a Tuesday!"

"Remember: YOU'RE A UNICORN and you gotta feed that unicorn some high quality life to crapn rainbows!"


Having someone spend 10 minutes yelling at you on the phone about how YOU'RE A UNICORN can really perk you up and change your perspective.  I just want y'all to know that I think each and every one of you is a  UNICORN, too.

Don't be sad tomorrow because you're not marrying someone you met at Balls.  Don't be sad tomorrow because you're not spending too much on dinner.  Don't be sad if your whole plan is to sit on the couch eating cookies and watching Magic Mike.  You're a  UNICORN.

And you definitely shouldn't stop pooping rainbows.



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