Weird Animal Metaphors and Bonus Eyeball Tetanus

Mom: Got apples on both trees, eat your heart out John Clark
May 22 12:50 PM

Mom: Made quiche out of yolks from angle food cake, sun dried tomatoes and Swiss cheese.  Soooo ggoooooddddd.
May 22 12:51 PM

Mom: I can still learn something
May 22 12:51 PM


Mom: Nothing says "loser" faster than some scraggly chin whiskers
May 23 6:43 PM

Mom: Especially ones that curl under the chin
May 23 6:43 PM


Mom: Take a guess on what woke us up at 3 AM by incessantly triggering the driveway alarm and being ever so visible in the moonlight
May 24 6:43 AM

Mom: Yep, you got it, your dog Memphis, Rhetta not so visible with dark fur.  They dug out.
May 24 6:44 AM

Mom: They have lost their sensibles
May 24 6:45 AM

Me: Oh no!  Where? How? Why?
May 24 7:41 AM

Mom: Dug under front fence, we think counter-attacking a possum.  Plan for today when Clayton comes home is to smoke the culvert
May 24 8:42 AM

Mom: We love some smoke and fires
May 24 8:43 AM

Me: The dogs will be so happy if you get that possum for them
May 24 9:05 AM

Mom: Smoke billowing from both ends, empty, what a let down
May 24 5:27 PM


Mom: 3 possums + 1 armadillo + 1 rattlesnake = spring in FLA
May 26 7:21 PM


Mom: It's like traveling with squirrels, they are always hungry and they never stop moving
May 28 2:53 PM


Me: Do you have a place to stay?
May 28 4:31 PM

Mom: Not tonight.  Well, we are like turtles, we got our house.
May 28 4:31 PM


Mom: Why does nothing look so guilty as when you ask a three year old what he's doing?
Jun 1 9:50 AM


Mom: I was sitting on back porch drinking a cup of cold coffee and a giant cockroach started acted strangely, now I can't find my cup
Jun 2 11:36 AM

Mom: Got the roach, still can't find cup
Jun 2 11:37 AM

Me: You think he hid it?
Jun 2 11:37 AM

Mom: I panicked and he followed me in the house
Jun 2 11:39 AM

Mom: Big.  We are talking Madagascar sized
Jun 2 11:40 AM

Me: That's terrifying.
Jun 2 11:41 AM

Mom: A chicken woulda had more sense than to tackle it
Jun 2 11:41 AM


Mom: I wonder how many people can't find their strainer cause their grandson likes to wear it on his head
Jun 2 9:00 PM

Me: hahahhaha, did you look on the porch
Jun 2 9:10 PM

Mom: No, not going to be that easy
Jun 2 9:10 PM


Mom: The yard is hot wired like San Quentin
Jun 2 9:13 PM


Me: I love you so much.  That's so gross.  How much rain have you gotten?
Jun 6 2:45 PM

Mom: Idk and your Dad won't check the rain gauge
Jun 6 2:46 PM

Me: Tell him he ain't sugar, he won't melt.
Jun 6 2:47 PM

Me: Weatherman gotta know the weather.
Jun 6 2:54 PM


Mom: We have lost some pages from Richard Scary Favorite Story book.  I told Corb I was sad that he lost them and he said, "please don't say that Git."
Jun 7 12:18 PM


Mom: What was that funny thing you said to look up?
Jun 7 4:18 PM

Bonus: Texts from Bestie
Also context free for your enjoyment.  And yes, this is my real life. 

Bestie: I don't need anything in particular, I just miss the Ville. But your mom shouldn't send me anything! You'd laugh at me so much right now. I'm trying to remove one of my sink drain plugs because it's not draining well.  I had to google it and am now searching down pliers.
Jun 4 12:00 PM

Bestie: I might flood the house. Be on standby.
Jun 4 12:00 PM

Bestie: Uhoh
Jun 4 12:00 PM

Bestie: I just broke off a plastic tab thing
Jun 4 12:01 PM

Bestie: Pliers were a terrible decision
Jun 4  12:02 PM

Bestie: Turns out the thing I broke wasn't even the part I was supposed to be twisting
Jun 4 12:10 PM

Bestie: Pliers are not enough for the job, but at least I'm 90% sure I'm struggling with the right part now
Jun 4 12:11 PM

Me: Oh Jesus
Jun 4 12:12 PM

Bestie: Oh god, some piece of under the sink never-seen-the-light-of-day crap just fell in my eye! I'm probably gonna get tetanus.
Jun 4 12:15 PM

Bestie: Can I get tetanus from eye-rust infection?
Jun 4 12:15 PM

Bestie: Don't answer that. I don't think I wanna know.
Jun 4 12:15 PM

Me: What's happening now?
Jun 4 12:15 PM

Bestie: Damn it! I finally got the "right" thing undone.
It was the wrong thing
Jun 4 12:17 PM

Bestie: Rereading the google instructions
Jun 4 12: 18 PM

Bestie: I was right the first time around
Jun 4 12:19 PM

Bestie: Why are sinks so complicated????????
Jun 4 12:20 PM

Me: This seems super dangerous.
Jun 4 12:20 PM

Me: For the sink.
Jun 4 12:20 PM

Me: And yes, you could totally get eyeball tetanus
Jun 4 12:20 PM

Bestie: You're such a bitch
Jun 4 12:21 PM

Me: I didn't give you eyeball tetanus
Jun 4 12:22 PM

Me: #justsayin
Jun 4 12:22 PM

Jun 4 12:23 PM

Me: #itstotespossible
Jun 4 12:23 PM

Jun 4 12:23 PM

Jun 4 12:23 PM

Bestie: Now I have to gather enough confidence to gather up the gross hairball.  More tetanus possibilities coming right up
Jun 4 12:24 PM

Me: Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww
Jun 4 12:27 PM

Bestie: I cleaned it our, reinstalled it, and only tried to infect myself the one time.  If my current career doesn't work out, I think I'll market myself as a general contractor now!
Jun 4 12:40 PM

Me: #nailedit
Jun 4 12:41 PM

Bestie: #dontneednomen
Jun 4 12:43 PM

Me: #justatetanusshot
Jun 4 12:49 PM


Popular posts from this blog

The (Alternative) Commencement Speech*

Life is hard and things are shitty sometimes

Go ahead and stick a fork in me, I'm done

Five-Year Plans


Strangers on the Internet