Apathy

Apathetic: adjective; the psychological way of saying you have no more shits to give.
"Man, this semester really has me beaten down; I'm just apathetic."

Upper semesters have described third semester to me as: "tear-inducing," "terrible," "makes you hate everyone," "sleep-depriving," "caffeine will be mainlined," and, my personal favorite, "will make you wish you were on drugs.  Or drugged.  Either way- you'll want drugs."

In the beginning I hoped that the uppers were just teasing me.  Unfortunately for me and my classmates, all of those things are true.  I have cried.  I have lost sleep.  I have had so many cups of tea that when it comes time to sleep I'm still buzzed on caffeine.  At times, I have hated pretty much everyone.  This semester is genuinely terrible.

It's not that this semester has been particularly intellecutally taxing, it's more that it has been emotionally taxing.  We have no time.  All the time that we do have is devoted to studying, to the detriment of our mental health. 

We've reached the point where it's almost comical.  Our neuroscience professor likes to tell us that we should only study for "45 minutes at a time" and that we most definitely "aren't getting enough sleep," and that sleep deprivation can lead to fun symptoms like "psychosis" and a "lack of rational thinking."  Then just to add some giggles, we learned about coping mechanisms in psychology.  Apparently we're all stuck in an infantile emotional stage with the denial and rationalizations that we cling to in order to stay sane.

None of this is made any easier with the fact that even though we're stuck here in this quagmire, life is continuing back home.  Babies are born, families move, people and pets pass away, weddings happen, illness happens.  Real life is continuing without us.  It's been a year.  We've been here a year.  A lot of stuff happens in a year.  We've missed a lot, and sometimes that feels like too much.

Lately I have realized that I've been ignoring big things back home (and here to an extent) because I can't deal with them.  I've been neglecting people and issues I need to take care of because I haven't had the emotional energy to work up the effort to actually do anything.  Rationally I know I should, and I care, I really deeply truly care, but if I let myself focus on anything real (and by real I mean "not school") I will officially lose my shit and I don't have time for that. 

And so, I've resigned myself to apathy.  At least until this semester is over.  Then I will think about all those things I've managed to repress.


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