Faking it

Ever have one of those days where you're pretty sure that you're stupider than everyone else?  And meaner?  And lazier?  And more selfish?  And probably- just to add icing to the cake- fatter?

Yeah, I'm having a moment here.  Maybe it's the moon.  Maybe it's this semester.  Maybe I'm finally cracking.  Or maybe I really am stupider and meaner and lazier and more selfish and fatter than everyone else.  (And as I read that back, I'm definitely whinier and more hyperbolic)

My Aunt Karen would officially call this a "black-assed mood."  There's no telling what set me down this particular spiral, but I guess that doesn't really matter.  Back home there's half a dozen things I would do to shake this off, but here I just feel even more lost because none of those things are a viable option.  That's not to say that I don't have wonderful supportive friends here; it's just that we're all going through the same crap and I don't want to whine excessively to them.*

This is like the time I borrowed QJax's bike that had been in a crash and I had to point the handle bars at a serious angle to go in a straight line.  Something just doesn't feel right here- I'm off kilter.  And I know in my heart of hearts that it doesn't matter if I'm stupider or meaner or lazier or more selfish or fatter because I shouldn't be comparing myself to everyone else.  That's what we're told right?  That we're all unique and special and wonderful in our own way and that we're not supposed to compare ourselves?

It's okay if you don't feel special or wonderful or unique way right now.  It's okay to say that this- whatever "this" may be for you- is hard and painful and slow-going.  It's okay to need a moment or a day or a week.  It's okay to walk away sometimes.  It's okay to not be perfect.  It's okay to be vulnerable.  It's okay to fake it.

It's okay.

Here's my plan: go to school, attempt to learn things, try to keep mouth shut so as not to say terribly snarky things I don't actually mean, go home, attempt to integrate new material into something resembling knowledge.  Repeat for the foreseeable future. 

All I want to do is lie on the floor, drink red wine, and listen to "Wagon Wheel" on repeat, but ain't nobody got time for that.

And that's okay too.  I will just keep on faking it because I know I won't feel this way forever.  It just sucks for now, but I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.  And I guess that's my whole point today: it's okay to acknowledge that things are crappy sometimes and that you're lost and that you have no clue what you're doing. 

Because I am pretty sure everyone else feels the same way and is faking it too...

*I know I totally bitch and moan to you guys, but I do try to keep it toned down...  Yeah... This is me toning it down...


  1. Girl, you have totally captured my day today. I am right there with you. I need to work on faking it better.


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