Talkin' funny

 Around these parts they keep telling me I talk funny.  And, I will admit I do play it up sometimes, but I figure I better not go getting above my raising.  The other day somebody gave me a hard time about my liberal use of the word "y'all" and how they couldn't use it because people would think that they were "uneducated."  I smiled and nodded and didn't worry my pretty little head about it one bit.

That is, until later, when it hit me like a ton of bricks that the person I had just had a conversation with pretty much called me uneducated to my face.  Now, I don't take kindly to being insulted- no one does- but I just find being insulted to my face a little much.  It made me just want to take the ridiculous colloquialisms up to a whole new level.  I got to thinking about the phrases I loved as a kid and still get a good ole kick out of to this day, so I compiled a little list.

Well, slap my ass and call me Sally.

The cat having kittens in the oven doesn't make them biscuits.

Bless your heart.

On that like white on rice.

More useless that tits on a boar hog.

Ain't no fence around it, come on and get you some.

That dog won't hunt.

On that like ducks on a June bug.

It is colder than a well digger's ass.

Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.

Make like a biscuit and rise.

Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

There's more that one way to skin a cat.

It's so quiet you could hear a gnat fart.

Slower than molasses in winter time.

Rode hard and put up wet.

Uh-oh, we are ass-deep in alligators.

You couldn't tell crap from Crisco.

If it was a snake, it would have bit you.


Don't think that because I talk slow or funny or say "y'all" that I'm stupid or racist or prejudiced or ignorant.  Hell, that any of those things just ran through your mind because of my accent says more about you than it does about me.  Y'all keep right on underestimating me, and I will keep on exceeding your expectations six days from Sunday.

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